I heard this story during the week about a book about grief, published in 1961 with the opening line: “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” Written under the pen name N.W. Clark, the anonymity was so successful that friends of the author sent him copies, thinking it would help with his grief.
Years later, the author’s identity was revealed to be C.S. Lewis who had been so devastated after his wife’s death that he’d written behind a pseudonym, signing early drafts “Dimidus” which is Latin for “cut in half.”
It’s National Grief Awareness Week and I wanted to highlight some of the wonderful advice given to listeners of my Near FM radio show Love Unfiltered last July when I sat down with Laura Lynn Children’s hospice bereavement co-ordinator Breffni Mc Guinness.
I wanted to find out from Breffni how, when we are faced with death and loss, can we learn to live with that loss and how can we support people going through it.
In Ireland, we do death brilliantly – our culture and community has a long line of rituals and traditions that help Irish people bring comfort to one another at a time of crisis. But when all that coming together in support is over, we struggle because we find grief so uncomfortable to deal with.
So here’s what Breffni shared:
1. Grief is your friend (yes, really)
This might sound strange, but as Breffni explained, “Grief is our friend. It’s our pal.” We need to make space for grief in our lives and not run from it.
Grief is the natural emotional response to losing something or someone significant. It’s how we heal and we have to feel the loss before we can grow through it and move forward. When we try to escape grief or distract ourselves from it, we’re only postponing the inevitable. Breffni says: “We can’t really escape grief. You can put it off, but then it comes back to bite you.”
The key is balance: “We need to get that balance of leaning into it at times and also stepping away at times. Because it doesn’t define you.”
2. There’s no timeline for grief
One of the most harmful myths about grief is that there’s a timeline for “getting over it.” The reality? There isn’t one.
Breffni explained. “Some of what makes it difficult to support people who are grieving is it brings us face to face with our own mortality. If it can happen to this person, it can happen to me. And that can be frightening.”
Many grieving people feel pressure from others about where they “should be” in their grief journey. As one mother who Breffni worked with said, “Don’t downsize my grief.” She was exhausted by well-meaning people telling her she’d be “grand,” that “time heals all wounds,” or worse, asking when she’d be “back to normal.”
Grief isn’t linear and it doesn’t get better and better in a straight line. Breffni shared that he still experiences what he calls “grief bursts” or “waves of grief” years after his parents’ deaths. These moments can hit unexpectedly and that’s completely normal.
3. Your presence matters more than your words
We obsess over finding the “right thing” to say to someone who’s grieving but there are no right words.
“Sometimes there aren’t things to say,” Breffni told me. “But can we be with somebody alongside them? Just be with them. Be present. Listen. And sit with not saying something and just allow that this is painful.”
The simple three-step process Breffni recommends is: acknowledge, validate, support.
Acknowledge what has happened: “I’m sorry to hear about your loss. I don’t have words. I’m just so sorry.”
Support in whatever way you can: Sometimes that means simply asking, “I don’t know how best to support you. What would be helpful?”
What people really notice is your presence. As Breffni said, “Sometimes we’re clunky. Sometimes I get it wrong. That’s not as important as reaching out to somebody.”
4. People grieve differently (and that’s ok)
Not everyone processes grief the same way and knowing this can prevent a lot of misunderstanding, especially between partners or family members experiencing the same loss.
During our chat, Breffni explained two main grieving styles:
Intuitive grieving: These people cope by speaking openly about their grief, seeking others to share with and expressing emotions outwardly. They need to talk through their feelings.
Instrumental grieving: These people process grief through doing. They tend to work through things internally and cope through action, like cleaning the house or working in the garage. They find sitting around talking about feelings uncomfortable.
Neither style is better or worse. The problem arises when couples or family members judge each other for grieving differently. One person might think their partner isn’t grieving because they’re not crying or talking about it. The other might feel overwhelmed by their partner’s need to constantly discuss the loss.
Breffni shared a story of a couple who found balance by understanding each other’s styles. The husband needed an hour in his garage to process things, while the wife needed regular check-ins where she could talk. Once they understood they were experiencing the same pain differently, they could support each other better.
5. You don’t “get over” grief; you learn to live with it
The most important thing to understand about grief is that it never truly ends, we grow around it and integrate it into our lives.
“We’re not talking about getting over. We’re talking about learning to live with it,” Breffni emphasised. “Integrating our loss into our lives because we’re changed, and what we now have is this grief and loss which is part of us. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing.”
He shared a powerful example of a mother whose son died. Eighteen years later, when her daughter was getting married, she said, “I don’t forget my son. I carry my sadness with me. But I can also be happy for my daughter. And it’s not one or the other.”
This is what healing looks like: not forgetting or not “moving on,” but expanding your life around the grief. You will have more experiences, more joy, more life but the grief remains a part of you.
Many people who’ve experienced profound loss develop a sensitivity and empathy they never had before. :”It’s one of these strange things that people who go through great suffering can be opened by that.
The bottom line on grief…
Supporting someone through grief isn’t about having the perfect words or fixing their pain. We need to understand that grief is slow, that it looks different for everyone and that it never truly ends, it just becomes a part of who we are.
Grief is not something to fix, if you know someone who’s grieving, remember that your clumsy presence is worth more than your perfectly worded absence.
You can listen back to the full episode of Love Unfiltered here: https://www.mixcloud.com/nearfm/love-unfiltered-grief
Breffni McGuinness is the bereavement co-ordinator with Laura Lynn, Ireland’s Children’s Hospice www.lauralynn.ie
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